


Avengers Assemble a Barbecue

by BaronVonChop



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen, Party, Shopping, barbeque
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-04
Updated: 2014-07-04
Packaged: 2018-02-07 12:00:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1898211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BaronVonChop/pseuds/BaronVonChop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony and Pepper are having a barbecue on top of Stark Tower. Each Avenger needs to bring something, and they all face a different challenge. Hijinks ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Avengers Assemble a Barbecue

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and criticism are welcome!
> 
> [Inspired by this image of Robert Downey Jr. going shopping.](http://x17online.com/celebrities/robert_downey_jr/even_tony_stark_goes_grocery_shopping.php)

Tony Stark reflected on how unfair life could be. The sun was up in a perfect blue sky and streaming through his bedroom window, but the fluffy blankets were too hot to burrow under to block out the light. “Jarvis, dim the window. It’s too bright,” Tony mumbled into his pillow. Nothing happened.

Tony sat up, struggling out of the clinging blanket. “Come on, Jarvis, I just need five more minutes of sleep. Okay, an hour. The sun’s too bright.” He ran a hand through his disheveled hair and squinted around the room for some sign that Jarvis had heard him. “Bright sun. Sun is bright. Dim the lights, please, Jarvis. Jarvis?”

Still wearing only his boxers, Tony stumbled into the kitchen. Pepper sat at the breakfast table with a glass of orange juice and a bagel, reading something on her tablet. “Good morning,” she said when she saw Tony, hiding her smile behind the orange juice as she took a sip.

Tony opened his mouth, then paused to think about how he wanted to phrase his thoughts. “Pepper, have you noticed anything odd about Jarvis?”

Pepper frowned thoughtfully, perhaps a little too theatrically. “Not really. Jarvis, could you brew me some coffee, please?”

The computer’s voice responded promptly. “I would be delighted to, Ms. Potts.”

“Thank you, Jarvis.” Pepper’s eyes twinkled mischievously at Tony over the rim of her glass.

“Um, okay,” Tony studied Pepper for a second. He lifted an eyebrow quizzically, but Pepper suppressed her smile and gave him an innocent look. Tony turned in place, his eyes scanning the various microphones. “Jarvis, I’ll take a bowl of cereal and a cup of coffee.”

Nothing happened. Pepper, unable to contain herself, snorted and covered her mouth. Tony waved his hand in the air, as though pointing out the lack of Jarvis. “I’m glad you’re enjoying this. So, how does this work? Is Jarvis only listening to you, or only ignoring me, or…?” He tried to look stern. “Because if he’s ignoring everyone but you, and Fury tries to come over, or there’s a security issue--”

“Don’t worry.” Pepper took a bite of her bagel. “It’s just you.”

“Oh, okay. Just me. That’s good. So I’m the only one who’s going to starve to death in my own home.”

“Or,” said Pepper, shaking her head, “you could walk over to the fridge, take out some milk, grab a bowl and some cereal, and pour yourself some cereal like a normal human being.”

“But that’s the point, Pepper. I’m not a normal human being. I’m a billionaire genius engineer, and the reason I’m a billionaire genius engineer is so that I don’t have to do things like normal people do.”

Pepper scoffed, sending crumbs across the table. “Well, there’s something we can both agree on. You’re not a normal human being.”

Tony sighed and gave up, throwing her a little smile as he got his cereal ready. “So how did you do it? I’ve got some pretty good security on Jarvis, so I’m just curious.”

Pepper shrugged. “It wasn’t so hard. Jarvis helped.”

Tony’s eyebrows shot up. “Jarvis helped?”

Pepper tilted back her head and gave Tony a triumphant smile. “I told him it’d be good for you. He agreed. Isn’t that right, Jarvis?”

“Essentially, yes.”

Tony glared at the ceiling. “Thanks, Jarvis.”

“She was quite persuasive, sir.”

Tony raised an eyebrow. “I thought you weren’t talking to me?”

Jarvis was silent. Tony ate his cereal.

Pepper waited until Tony was finishing up his cereal. Then she said, “I heard that Thor is visiting Earth, and Steve and Bruce have some time off as well. Natasha said she’d like to come over sometime, so why don’t we grill some burgers on the roof?”

“Yeah, okay. That could be fun.”

“Except we don’t have any burgers.” Pepper watched Tony for his reaction.

He slouched in his chair, defeated. Then he sat up and, keeping his face neutral, asked, “Say, Pepper, how about if I go get some burgers from the store?”

Pepper smiled indulgently. “That would be great. Are you sure you don’t mind?”

Tony carried his cereal bowl to the sink. “No, it’s no trouble. Just let me get dressed and I’ll swing by the corner grocery store. Like a normal person, right?”

* * *

Tony was at the door putting his shoes on. “Okay, I’m heading out. Is there anything else we need? Just burgers, right?”

Pepper started to turn. “Well, we could also use some buns--” She paused, then burst out laughing.

Tony gave her an innocent look, then smiled. “What?”

“What are you wearing?” Pepper asked, still laughing.

Tony Stark wore a blue t-shirt beneath a bright orange hooded sweatshirt, gray sweatpants, and a blue baseball cap with the word “Stark” printed on it.

“Isn’t this how normal people dress when they go to the store on their days off?” Tony asked, still struggling to look innocent.

Pepper had to nod. “It’s very… casual, that’s true. But the hat’s a bit much.”

Tony grinned. “You wanted me to go to the store to get burgers and buns, so I’m going to the store to get burgers and buns. And I’m wearing the hat.”

* * *

Tony would not have admitted it to Pepper, but he rather enjoyed pretending to be a regular person at the store. He puttered around with his grocery cart, looking at the various burger options, weighing whether to get whole wheat buns or the potato bread. He acted like he did not notice the people gawking at him or snapping pictures on their phones, except perhaps to ham it up as he frowned and furrowed his brow while comparing bottles of juice.

The young mother who got to the register at the same time as Tony tried to stand aside, but he just shook his head and waved her forward. Her little girl stared up at him with her mouth open. Tony crouched to look her in the eye. “Do you know who I am?” The girl closed her mouth and nodded mutely. “Would you like an autograph?”

The little girl’s eyes opened wide. “I can have an autograph?”

Her mother gave Tony an embarrassed smile as she paid for her groceries. “Oh, you don’t have to.”

“No, that’s fine,” said Tony, beaming as he took a pen from his pocket.

The little girl screwed up her face in thought. “Can I get Thor’s?”

Her mother looked aghast. “Don’t be rude, sweetie!” She looked at Tony. “Thor’s her favorite,” she added apologetically.

The little girl looked up at her mother, confused. “But he said I could have an autograph.”

Tony waved away the woman’s apology. “Cute kid. Here you go.” He wrote his name on a handout for an upcoming sale and handed it to the child.

As the mother and daughter left and headed for the nearby restaurant for lunch, Tony heard the girl ask, “Do you think I could trade this autograph for Thor’s?”

* * *

“Your hero has returned,” Tony announced, placing the grocery bag on the kitchen counter.

“That wasn’t so hard, was it?” Pepper walked over and gave Tony a kiss.

Tony put his arms around Pepper. “I really feel like I’ve learned an important lesson, and grown as a person.”

Pepper gave him a side-eye but kissed him again anyway. “I’m proud of you. So how about you call Bruce and let him know how talented you are, and see if he can pick up some chips and salsa for the party?”

* * *

Bruce Banner looked up from his computer to where his cell phone was vibrating on his desk. He glanced at the caller ID and answered it. “Hi, Tony. How’s it going?”

“Hi, not bad. Pepper and I are getting some of the group together tonight to grill burgers on the roof, and we were wondering if you could make it.”

“Sure, that sounds fun. I could use a break.” Bruce saved his work and closed the program. “Should I bring bring something?”

“If you could grab some chips and salsa, that’d be terrific.”

“No problem.”

“Hey, maybe you could make some of that guacamole you’re always boasting about.”

Bruce smiled. “Has the time come? Are you prepared?”

“The stars are right. Let’s do this.”

“All right. See you this evening.”

“I’ll see your guacamole this evening! You can come too.”

* * *

Bruce navigated his car through the parking lot of the local supermarket. He saw what looked like a good spot, but as he turned into it, he had to hit the brakes because the truck in the next space was parked diagonally and took up half the empty space as well. Bruce clenched his jaw when behind him one of the parked cars pulled out. He relaxed and took the spot.

Once inside, he grabbed a shopping cart and started pushing it toward the snack aisle. One of the wheels fluttered sideways as he pushed the cart up the aisle, so that it was a struggle to keep it going straight. Then the wheel seized up entirely and Bruce shoved against it, cursing. He let go of the cart’s handle and walked around to the front of the cart, glaring down at the wheel, then gave it a savage kick. To his surprise, the wheel spun free, and a broken plastic tie fell out from where it had been stuck in the wheel. Bruce gave the cart an experimental push and it moved smoothly.

After filling the cart with various types of chips, he reached for some salsa. The jar slipped from his hand and broke on the ground.

Bruce bent down to clean up the mess, his face reddening, when he heard someone yell, “Stop right there!”

He looked up to see a store employee hurrying toward him. “I’m so sorry, it slipped--” Bruce began.

The worker, a college-aged young man with a mop of brown hair, reached for him. Bruce braced himself, but the young man only moved him gently aside. “I’ll clean this up. We don’t want you to cut yourself.”

Feeling foolish and relieved, Bruce took another jar of salsa and made his way to the produce aisle.

He loaded his cart with onions, tomatoes, garlic, and a jalapeño pepper before looking for the avocados. He arrived at the avocados just in time to see a woman take the last one, drop it casually into her basket, and walk off.

Bruce felt his hands tighten on the handle of the cart. He tried to relax his grip, but his hands started to tremble. Then he spotted something dark behind the stack of lemons next to the avocados. Letting go of the cart, he checked, and sure enough, two avocados had somehow ended up behind the lemons. They were perfectly ripe, and he added them to the cart with a sigh of relief.

With everything in the cart, Bruce made his way to the cash registers. He paused in disbelief as he noticed that all of the lines were crammed with full shopping carts. He felt momentarily paralyzed as he had to decide between the line with the crying toddler and the line with the over-amorous teenage couple.

Just as Bruce was seriously considering abandoning his cart and leaving the store, a cashier walked up to him and indicated a closed register. “I can help you over here,” she said.

Bruce smiled with relief and paid for his groceries. Outside, it was a beautiful day, with blue skies and birds singing in the trees. Bruce breathed in, held it, and began loading his groceries into his car.

* * *

Thor felt his phone buzz and checked its screen to see Tony’s smiling face. Thor slid his finger over the screen to answer the call.

Tony said, “A voice appears out of thin air, as though by magic! But fear not, for by the miracle of science, I have shrunk myself down to a tiny size, and I now live in this device that you keep in your pocket.”

“Hello, Tony.” Thor smiled.

“I see you have mastered the mysteries of the cell phone.”

“Indeed, as we have established over the course of many phone calls.”

“I’ll stop doing it when it stops being funny. Anyway, would you like to come over this evening for a barbeque on top of Stark Tower?”

Thor thought about it for a moment. “Thank you for the invitation. I would be honored to attend. Would it be appropriate for me to bring anything?”

“How about a salad? Nobody’s bringing a salad. Oh, and Thor, if you could stop by the Red Lobster down the street from the tower, there’s a little girl there who would love to meet you.”

* * *

A few minutes later, Thor found himself at the natural grocery store, loading his basket with spinach, eggs, bacon, an onion, almonds, and sunflower seeds. Even among the long-haired health nuts who frequented the store, Thor stood out.

“Excuse me, young man,” said an stooped lady with gray hair and thick glasses. “Would you mind helping me? I’d like to buy a bag of cat food and a bag of cat litter, but I’m afraid these bags are too heavy for me.”

Thor gave her a bright smile. “Of course!”

The old woman’s eyes shone as she watched how easily he heaved the bags onto his shoulder. “Oh, you’re so strong!” she said, reaching up and feeling his bicep.

Thor’s smile never wavered. “I am happy to help.”

After they had paid for their items, Thor followed the lady to her car, an enormous station wagon. As she opened the spacious trunk, she said, “You’ve been so helpful. If you could just drop these off, that would be great.”

Thor put down his grocery bag and hefted the sacks of cat food and litter, laying them down in the trunk of the car.

“I don’t want them sliding around too much, so could you make sure to push them all the way in there?”

Thor nodded and bent down, half-crawling inside to push them all the way back.

“Take your time,” the old lady said softly. “You wouldn’t want to strain something.”

When Thor was done, he picked up his grocery bag and gave the woman another smile. Her face was flushed as she smiled back. “Oh, you’re such a wonderful young man! I can’t thank you enough.”

“No thanks are needed. What’s your cat’s name?”

The woman studied Thor’s honest blue eyes. “Well, I don’t have a cat at just this moment… but I might get one!”

Thor laughed along with her and headed off to Red Lobster. The moment he entered the door, the delighted, high-pitched shriek from a nearby booth let him know where to go.

The little girl kept up a loud stream of happy chatter the whole time Thor was signing her autograph. He followed her instructions and made sure that he wrote his name larger than Tony’s. He then gave her a smile before retreating quickly, fearing that otherwise the little girl would pass out from lack of air before her mortified mother could calm her down.

* * *

“Hey, Steve, it’s Tony. Do you have time to talk?”

“Hey, Tony,” said Steve. “I’m just out for a jog. What can I do for you?”

“You’re jogging? You don’t sound like you’re jogging.”

“Well, I just started half an hour ago.”

“Ah, you must be on one of those light multi-hour jogs, with a few thousand pushups and situps thrown in for fun.”

Steve laughed. “You’re welcome to join me anytime.”

“I’ll let you do a few extra miles in my name. So I was wondering, are you busy tonight? Pepper and I are putting together a barbeque.”

“That sounds fun. What can I bring?”

“I think we’ve covered all our bases already, so how about some ice cream?”

“All right. Any flavor in particular?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Let’s keep it simple and say vanilla.”

“Vanilla, got it. I’ll pick some up on the way.”

“Great. See you soon!”

“And Tony?”

“Yeah?”

“This isn’t an elaborate setup for a prank, right? I’m not going to show up with a tub of ice cream to a room full of diabetic retirees, right?”

There was a moment’s pause, some whispering, and then a new voice. “Hi, Steve, it’s Pepper. Tony wants me to tell you that this party is totally on the level.”

“Great. Thanks, Pepper.”

“Any time.”

* * *

“Can I help you, sir?”

“Hm?” Steve broke his reverie and looked over to see a plump young woman wearing the apron and uniform of one of the supermarket’s employees watching him.

“It’s just that… you’ve been looking at the ice cream for a while.”

Steve smiled, and she smiled back, reassured that he was doing all right. “It’s just that…” Steve began. He paused, thought for a moment, and then gestured at the rows of ice cream behind the frosty glass. “I’ve been trying to find the vanilla.”

The woman looked slightly worried. “We have a lot of vanilla, sir…”

Steve nodded. “I’ll say. You have gourmet vanilla, double-churned vanilla, low-fat vanilla, lite vanilla--what’s the difference between low-fat and lite?--vanilla frozen yogurt, French vanilla…” He sighed. “I’ve been to France, and I had vanilla ice cream while I was there. Do you know what it tasted like? Vanilla.”

“I’m sure any of these would be a good choice,” the woman offered.

“Then why have so many?”

The woman opened her mouth to reply, then closed it with a thoughtful look. After a few more moments, she said hesitantly, “You know, I’m not really sure.”

Steve thanked her for her honesty and picked one at random.

* * *

When Steve reached the roof of Stark Tower, the other guests were already there. Tony, who had changed into a sleeveless shirt, shorts, and flip-flops, was standing in front of a grill, poking burgers with some tongs. Thor and Bruce stood nearby, both holding beers while telling Pepper about the troubles they had gathering things for the barbeque.

When Pepper saw Steve, she called over to him, “Oh Steve, hi! Could you leave the ice cream in the cooler chest over here? That way it doesn’t melt.”

As Steve deposited the ice cream, Thor turned to him. “We were just telling Pepper about what happened to us as we were purchasing things for this gathering.”

Pepper smiled at Steve. “It sounds like everyone’s had quite the ordeal. How about you, Steve?”

Steve shrugged. “Well, it turns out there’s more types of vanilla today than there were total flavors of ice cream when I was a kid.”

Pepper, Thor, and Bruce laughed, and Steve smiled with them.

“The first batch of burgers are done!” Tony announced, depositing the grilled meat onto a plate. “You should eat ‘em while they’re hot.”

Thor moved toward the buns, but Pepper put a hand on his arm. “Shouldn’t we wait until Natasha gets here?”

Tony shrugged. “Well, I only just called her fifteen minutes ago, and given what a hassle it is to buy things, I’m sure she won’t be--”

Tony stopped talking as the door to the roof opened and Natasha stepped out. When she saw them all staring at her, she raised her eyebrows. “What? You said you needed potato salad, right?” She showed them the bowl she was carrying. “Where should I put it?”


End file.
